I am truly blessed by the presence of legitimately awesome friends in my life. I’m not from around this town we call c://maine, but i have been welcomed here and together we are forging a village, allowing roots to grow deep and break up all the concrete that keeps us separated from one an#other. With friends like this i trust that i can continue diving deep into the nether regions of the soul and not entirely fuck out when i find it’s dark in there. With friends like this i know i can let go sometimes, surrender, drift, allow what has to happen to happen and know, from the heart-place, that we’ve got each other’s backs and hearts and pineal glands all just hangin out in one big cup of warm hands. It’s like one big platonic orgy over here right now. Much love, much respect, much growth, much divine healing in the footpaths of life. With friends like these i don’t need to run away to the mountains. With friends like these i can more easily accept that life is just one big fluffy joke f[ull of]art. Friends be bangin. Try not to forget that. Give your mate a hug, yep yep yep.
I wrote to an online friend yesterday because i’d been thinking of a conversation we’re having about intimacy, and i’ve been learning through experience again that intimacy is precious and not to be squandered on just anyone, and especially not with people who don’t respect it. I remembered a link i shared with him about the last time i reflected on the subject, and was half-surprised that there i expressed my new feelings about intimacy in essentially the same way i have above. It’s one of those node moments, where you realise there is continuity in the development of your value system and the way this manifests in your daily life. I’ve been cutting and burning a lot of deadwood lately, in myself and in relationships with toxic people who aren’t taking responsibility for their involvement in the world and in their relationship with me. It’s been quite brutal actually, the finality with which i’ve been accepting decisions to withdraw my energy from relationships where there is no intimate feedback, only a great sucking vortex of negativity and recalcitrant wallowing in existential filth. Friends and i have been referring to such people as, alas, shit cunts who don’t own their shit. We render it shit cants to help ourselves understand they are not actual cunts, just behaving like cunts. That’s how i feel about it anyway – if their behaviour is repeatedly cunty, i withdraw either completely from the relationship or i withdraw the level of intimacy i was offering. Whether they have cheated me or lied or gossiped about me, their behaviour suggests they do not respect me or the intimate friendship we might have developed. It’s been brutal, but i’m seeing that by cutting out people who don’t respect themselves enough to be honest with themselves, much less us, we make room for our own self-respect to flourish and we begin to attract others with enough self-respect and self-love and to respect and love another.
Monday 26 January
Renmark, South Australia
Day Three of my Adventures in Sobriety series,
in which i first begin to rediscover the similarities between adventure and life.
So it’s Day Three and i have a wicked headache. I’m sucking a coffee at Macca’s and hoping it’s caffeine withdrawal. The internet here is working at a pace that painfully represents the mush of machinations i might otherwise call my mind. A cold sore has cropped up, and i’m treating it with the wonderous Roseneath Organics Cold Sore Salve, which is mostly bees wax and coconut oil. (Catherine put me on to this article about coconut oil, which concludes “coconut is not a superfood, but it’s not a syphilitic cock either”—the title of the article, ‘Is Coconut Oil Just For Rubbing On Your Titties Or Is It Truly A Superfood?’ Gold.) Continue reading
So at the end of the day I briefly met up with a guy I sort of know and really like called F and we did a five-minute meditation, he and I and his friend Tanya, on this inner-east-end street, this street nearby a swanky private school near where I used to work, on the same corner where a woman and I once accidentally and simultaneously said to each other, “I love you”, which turned out not to be true,
but this meditation was really nice and it was just what I needed after such a hectic day.