Ryan Bodhi Abhijan, forager to the stars

Writing to Mum again, I gleaned a bunch of details and asked a few more questions, but refrained again from going too much into why I’m asking – it feels like a thing I should keep private here, though here be not private.

Turns out I was a week early and left struggling for my life beginning Christmas day … the sticky lung, stuck in the humidicrib designed by the same guy who apparently invented a low-cost iron lung – Edward Both, an Aussie legend. I was in there to avoid infections, and am waiting to learn how many days exactly I was in there (i know it was around a week, somewhere between V and VII days).

What I didn’t go into yet, is something i learned when i was seeing Rebecca (apsychotherapist and holotropic breathwork facilitator) in Adelaide in 2013, which is that my early experience as a baby may have established a sort of pattern based on how long i was in the humidicrib.

I am learning that, in general, when a newborn is separated from the mother’s breast at such an early age (understood, in psychology and spirituality, to be significant lifetime traumas), it’s not uncommon for the child to develop what Freud and Jung called “oral complexes”, which are a contributing factor in the development of oral addictions – smoking, drinking, eating. I began identifying as a “binge alcoholic” long before i realised i was an actual alcohlic – i guess the week was a perfect structure for me, work work work as a workaholic all week, then binge on the weekend.

There’s something in that, and understanding these as traumas and doing meditations to re-experience them through the adult perspective is a way of healing that trauma and beginning to move away from the complexes and the addictions they often cause. Addiction is a symptom, as well as the cause of other symptoms – that’s a perspective and distinction the Western system often fails to notice. I’ve written before about how love is the cure for addiction.

I also asked about Mum’s experience of breast-feeding with me. I have a hazy memory of biting the recess lady on the breast at kindergarten, but maybe i picked that memory up from this song:

I’ve also identified that i often feel grumpy when i’m hungry, but that’s changing as well as i embrace my inner forager.

Fuck yeah foraging!

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Ryan Bodhi Abhijan, not unco

Writing to Mum just now, asking for information about my birth, i signed off as Ryan Bodhi Abhijan, a format i used first on a zine i was putting together yesterday.

I began to explain that construction, but realised that sharing such information is generally just an unnecessarily confusing overshare (UCO or, to make an acronym from a typical 90s descriptor for the clumsy, UnCO). You don’t know what i’m talking about, neither does she, so going into it hereorthere, it’s bound to cause a social fumbling of sorts, and anyway, it’s the sort of thing i want to allow to percolate in my being fornow,

because who wants to appear uncoordinated?, even when you know you’re more coordinated than ever.

One thing, though, is

i have been exploring the meaning of my names and finding there are parallels between my sannyasin name and my birth name, which is both surprising and unsurprising:

i feel both more myself as Ryan and more and more ever-renewed as Abhijan; both more in touch with what i thought of as my old identity and more in touch with my new, old self …

a lot of conditioning, major ego structures and behavioural patterns are dropping away, and i am becoming more and more a master of myself,

no less,

and to do so has required going back through my experience of childhood and re#membering it from the perspective of adulthood.

It’s some#thing like past-life regression, and is an actual thing. It’s an actualthing like past-life regression.

I have been doing meditations recently that are helping me to recall the chronology and details of my childhood,

and i am seeing that my former memory-set had been woefully patchy and sketchy, likely a combination of general natural suppression of traumatic experiences and a pretty hectic history of chronic pot and alcohol abuse, not to mention all the sugar, mainstream entertainment and tobacco, plus coffee and pohtaytoes.

But the memories are coming back and i’m learning to respect the sacred herb again, so there’s hope for much positive re#membering,

which feels like un-dis-membering my soul or,

soul retrieval,

really,

and it’s happening naturally, without loads of awareness raising drugs, intuitively,

so that’s cool!

But it’s not the sort of gnarly esoteric decoding you want to just drop on Mum in an email because you’re having some sort of unexpected sexual and spiritual awakening with your new girlfriend under the guidance of three super moons and an offsetting solar eclipse, yeah. I don’t even know what that means, and it’s confusing enough to understand it, let alone relate that understanding – like acid … you don’t #shareyouracid stories with Mum, you just don’t. Just send a nice, polite enquiry about the details of your birth.

awareness, personality and illuminating our individual nature

an experiment in looping comments with posts

I posted yesterday about behaviour: acceptance vs justification, and in response to this comment from Egi-RaZoRZ, i wrote:

I like how this reply loops around and around itself … ellipses itself? Because of course neither justification nor acceptance could or should precede or succeed the other, and one is not more important or right or wrong than the other. I guess i just feel a tendency to justify sometimes, and i feel this gets in the way of acceptance — when a tendency develops, the way we respond to our own behaviour can become unbalanced, and therefore unhealthy and unprogressive. Acceptance and awareness can shed light on such a tendency and help us to move on.

Conscious behaviour — that is a whole other thing, if by conscious you mean wilful or intentional. I guess i was referring to unconscious behaviour — to tendencies. I have long wondered about the meaning of “behaviour”: is it an expression of personality, and therefore not representative of an individual’s real nature? Can the light of awareness dispel personality and allow us to act from our individual nature?

Egi-RaZoRZ had commented:

But I think that conscious behavior is (or should be, anyway) in a way a psychological mirror of your own self… Also, justifying something in a sane way would give it a logical meaning, which is nothing wrong, I guess, in addition to the final stage which is the acceptance of it. Maybe I got it all wrong. Oh well, maybe. ^^

If you have trouble justifying something, it does not mean it is wrong. Maybe it is simply beyond the necessity to do so! Which is also a good thing, I’d guess. 🙂

Something else about yesterday’s post, in which i wrote “I’m not sure why i keep thinking and talking in terms of dichotomies lately (this vs that)”:

during an exchange with a friend on Facebook i was directed to consider theosophy after i expressed an interest in gnosis (direct experience of “god”), and through reading about theosophy i found some stuff about non-dualism, which i have always valued in a latent sort of way — i suspect that i have been wondering about dichotomies so much lately because in my spiritual practice i am increasingly sensing an absence of Separation, whereas dualism asserts and informs a belief in Separation.

So yeah, that happened.

Day Four, The Return of Vision

Tuesday 27 January
Renmark, South Australian

Day Four of my Adventures in Sobriety series, in which I make an oxymoron of myself by applauding “vision” in a post where i “accidentally” conduct a tirade against time.

the-persistence-of-memory-1931

Salvador Dali’s “The Persistence of Memory”, which I had hung in my room as a teenager and only just now realised is entirely appropriate for this post. At the time I just thought it was cool because I was a stoner, but maybe it came into my life at that time for a reason.

I can’t sleep. I haven’t tried, but i know. I’m in that state where my body is exhausted but my mind is inexplicably energised.

For the last two days i’ve been wracked by hangover symptoms (headache, nausea, mysterious aches and pains) and i joked with someone about how it doesn’t seem fair that i should suffer thus for not taking drugs.

But obviously i’m detoxing. And these are the consequences of a heavy month-long binge, and actually i’m more interested in seeing this suffering through than i am in seeing (as an experiment, of course) whether a small joint would alleviate the symptoms—thereby confirming that these are withdrawals. Now there’s an addict’s reasoning par excellence.

But it’s not the symptoms alone that are keeping me awake: it’s also the sudden influx of motivation, mental activity, hope, pride, self-respect and vision.  Continue reading

Starting to Breathe, Part I

a rambling five-part exploration of how spiritual healing must complement lifestyle changes that will facilitate spiritual healing – the Introduction is here

Fits and Starts

There is a new comb. It can be used without reference to the ‘i’. There was a festival, and there is an OSHO commune on Lesvos, Greece. Here, there and now, there is an alternative way of living. It is the way of light, of love, of uncontrollable and inexplicable laughter: laughter that bubbles up from the well-spring of a healthy spirit.

I have been experimenting with writing without reference to the ‘i’, to the ego, but it is proving difficult – it feels detached from reality, disembodied. Maybe it’s too much for now, because the thing is i’m still attached to my sense of ‘i’, to a sense that things happen to me, or that i do things.

It’s complicated. I’ve been reading Eckhart Tolle again, A New Earth. He has a lot to say about how we invest a sense of self in objects, things, people, whatever – things that ultimately exist outside ourselves, and are not us. And i have obviously been reading and listening to Osho, who has a lot to say about witnessing, about that part of our consciousness that can observe our ego, thereby separating us from what Eckhart would call the mind-made self – a way to start moving toward liberation.

Continue reading

Starting to Breathe, Introduction

a rambling five-part exploration of how spiritual healing must complement lifestyle changes that will facilitate spiritual healing

Introduction

For years now i’ve been implementing lifestyle changes from habits that are bad for me toward a way of being that is most conducive to spiritual progress. To a considerable extent i have succeeded, but sometimes i relapse and binge. Through experiences i’m having lately between an OSHO festival in Turkey and an OSHO commune in Greece, i’m learning that the reason some of these changes don’t stick is i am not focusing on the root cause of these behaviours – i am trying to treat the symptoms of a spiritual malaise rather than working on the wounds and conditioning underlying that malaise.  Continue reading