I am truly blessed by the presence of legitimately awesome friends in my life. I’m not from around this town we call c://maine, but i have been welcomed here and together we are forging a village, allowing roots to grow deep and break up all the concrete that keeps us separated from one an#other. With friends like this i trust that i can continue diving deep into the nether regions of the soul and not entirely fuck out when i find it’s dark in there. With friends like this i know i can let go sometimes, surrender, drift, allow what has to happen to happen and know, from the heart-place, that we’ve got each other’s backs and hearts and pineal glands all just hangin out in one big cup of warm hands. It’s like one big platonic orgy over here right now. Much love, much respect, much growth, much divine healing in the footpaths of life. With friends like these i don’t need to run away to the mountains. With friends like these i can more easily accept that life is just one big fluffy joke f[ull of]art. Friends be bangin. Try not to forget that. Give your mate a hug, yep yep yep.
my friend Gamze is translating into Turkish a poem i wrote called Finding God,
they say prophets lead us to god
but what are the chances?
of finding the right man
when your couchsurfer gets lost
on the way home
and you are
down on the streets
calling out for an Arabic man
She asked a question that goes to the heart of the poem, “Are the right man, the couchsurfer and the man who is lost are the same person or not. How many chances are there to be the same man?”
I wrote back that the chance of finding the right prophet outside ourselves is nil – a lot of people say they know the truth, but if they say this they are actual more deluded than most of us. For actual, the right prophet is inside us – the poem was always about the idea that people who believe in an external god also tend to look for prophets outside themselves, which is on par with trying to find love outside ourselves – a constant stabbing in the dark that’s bound to end in tears.
We all have buddha nature, and it’s our duty to access that nature and live from that space, and the dark we have to go through to get there is not so stabby. Couchsurfing is a good start – i learned more about the Koran from Mohammad in a few days than i’ve learnt about the Bible in 30-odd years, starting with the first word, “Read.”
The word is not God – the word is Read.
Writing to Mum again, I gleaned a bunch of details and asked a few more questions, but refrained again from going too much into why I’m asking – it feels like a thing I should keep private here, though here be not private.
Turns out I was a week early and left struggling for my life beginning Christmas day … the sticky lung, stuck in the humidicrib designed by the same guy who apparently invented a low-cost iron lung – Edward Both, an Aussie legend. I was in there to avoid infections, and am waiting to learn how many days exactly I was in there (i know it was around a week, somewhere between V and VII days).
What I didn’t go into yet, is something i learned when i was seeing Rebecca (apsychotherapist and holotropic breathwork facilitator) in Adelaide in 2013, which is that my early experience as a baby may have established a sort of pattern based on how long i was in the humidicrib.
I am learning that, in general, when a newborn is separated from the mother’s breast at such an early age (understood, in psychology and spirituality, to be significant lifetime traumas), it’s not uncommon for the child to develop what Freud and Jung called “oral complexes”, which are a contributing factor in the development of oral addictions – smoking, drinking, eating. I began identifying as a “binge alcoholic” long before i realised i was an actual alcohlic – i guess the week was a perfect structure for me, work work work as a workaholic all week, then binge on the weekend.
There’s something in that, and understanding these as traumas and doing meditations to re-experience them through the adult perspective is a way of healing that trauma and beginning to move away from the complexes and the addictions they often cause. Addiction is a symptom, as well as the cause of other symptoms – that’s a perspective and distinction the Western system often fails to notice. I’ve written before about how love is the cure for addiction.
I also asked about Mum’s experience of breast-feeding with me. I have a hazy memory of biting the recess lady on the breast at kindergarten, but maybe i picked that memory up from this song:
I’ve also identified that i often feel grumpy when i’m hungry, but that’s changing as well as i embrace my inner forager.
Fuck yeah foraging!
Writing to Mum just now, asking for information about my birth, i signed off as Ryan Bodhi Abhijan, a format i used first on a zine i was putting together yesterday.
I began to explain that construction, but realised that sharing such information is generally just an unnecessarily confusing overshare (UCO or, to make an acronym from a typical 90s descriptor for the clumsy, UnCO). You don’t know what i’m talking about, neither does she, so going into it hereorthere, it’s bound to cause a social fumbling of sorts, and anyway, it’s the sort of thing i want to allow to percolate in my being fornow,
because who wants to appear uncoordinated?, even when you know you’re more coordinated than ever.
One thing, though, is
i have been exploring the meaning of my names and finding there are parallels between my sannyasin name and my birth name, which is both surprising and unsurprising:
i feel both more myself as Ryan and more and more ever-renewed as Abhijan; both more in touch with what i thought of as my old identity and more in touch with my new, old self …
a lot of conditioning, major ego structures and behavioural patterns are dropping away, and i am becoming more and more a master of myself,
and to do so has required going back through my experience of childhood and re#membering it from the perspective of adulthood.
It’s some#thing like past-life regression, and is an actual thing. It’s an actualthing like past-life regression.
I have been doing meditations recently that are helping me to recall the chronology and details of my childhood,
and i am seeing that my former memory-set had been woefully patchy and sketchy, likely a combination of general natural suppression of traumatic experiences and a pretty hectic history of chronic pot and alcohol abuse, not to mention all the sugar, mainstream entertainment and tobacco, plus coffee and pohtaytoes.
But the memories are coming back and i’m learning to respect the sacred herb again, so there’s hope for much positive re#membering,
which feels like un-dis-membering my soul or,
and it’s happening naturally, without loads of awareness raising drugs, intuitively,
so that’s cool!
But it’s not the sort of gnarly esoteric decoding you want to just drop on Mum in an email because you’re having some sort of unexpected sexual and spiritual awakening with your new girlfriend under the guidance of three super moons and an offsetting solar eclipse, yeah. I don’t even know what that means, and it’s confusing enough to understand it, let alone relate that understanding – like acid … you don’t #shareyouracid stories with Mum, you just don’t. Just send a nice, polite enquiry about the details of your birth.
To quote a beloved, Sharanananda:
Talk less, meditate more.
Something else from the Collective Evolution post about expanding consciousness:
Enlightenment is simply the process of remembering who we truly are, and why we are here. The soul will require many lives to completely remember itself, and what it truly is. By living and experiencing each day, we are all gaining experiences and moving closer to englightenment.
And an interesting persepctive on the source of ego, no less. I don’t really buy into the whole puppet-master-mind theory, which seems to imply that our leaders have a degree of capacity I just haven’t seen them demonstrate – such speculation about human intelligent design just doesn’t feel convincing for me, but I guess argument is not directed at people who are familiar with feeling conviction, which obviously feels like a contradiction, yep.
Conspiracy theories aside, this film left me all zen about the feeling that personal change at a consciousness level is the primary and most-effective means for effecting change in the world – from internal to external.
The way i scribbled it down late last night after the lunar eclipse: the clip from CE reminded me 1.) if we are going through cycle after cycle until we awaken to who we are and this iteration is just unevolved, and 2.) our main purpose is to evolve enough to come home to our original source, the ideal condition, and 3.) enlightenment is just remembering who we are, then 4.) all we need to do is pursue home inside ourselves.
Sounds easy enough!
It’s a view Osho reminded me of, and which he goes into at length in his talk about meditation being the greatest charity. You can find the talk here as an eBook, or try downloading it here as an audio talk. I don’t know which file it is here, as i haven’t downloaded them all from here myself yet, but that audio link is to the full series of talks called The Rebellious Spirit, yep!
There is a quote from Einstein at the end, which I suspect is edited from the original, but whatever:
No problem can be solved from the same level of consciousness that created it.
We all know it. So let’s do it.
I am inordinately fond of this quote, and Osho’s whole approach to love and romance: love is about appreciation, not possession. I wrote about this at least once before, and i want to share it all again because i quote … Continue reading
I found this image at Collective Evolution, in an article about expanding consciousness.