I am truly blessed by the presence of legitimately awesome friends in my life. I’m not from around this town we call c://maine, but i have been welcomed here and together we are forging a village, allowing roots to grow deep and break up all the concrete that keeps us separated from one an#other. With friends like this i trust that i can continue diving deep into the nether regions of the soul and not entirely fuck out when i find it’s dark in there. With friends like this i know i can let go sometimes, surrender, drift, allow what has to happen to happen and know, from the heart-place, that we’ve got each other’s backs and hearts and pineal glands all just hangin out in one big cup of warm hands. It’s like one big platonic orgy over here right now. Much love, much respect, much growth, much divine healing in the footpaths of life. With friends like these i don’t need to run away to the mountains. With friends like these i can more easily accept that life is just one big fluffy joke f[ull of]art. Friends be bangin. Try not to forget that. Give your mate a hug, yep yep yep.
I wrote to an online friend yesterday because i’d been thinking of a conversation we’re having about intimacy, and i’ve been learning through experience again that intimacy is precious and not to be squandered on just anyone, and especially not with people who don’t respect it. I remembered a link i shared with him about the last time i reflected on the subject, and was half-surprised that there i expressed my new feelings about intimacy in essentially the same way i have above. It’s one of those node moments, where you realise there is continuity in the development of your value system and the way this manifests in your daily life. I’ve been cutting and burning a lot of deadwood lately, in myself and in relationships with toxic people who aren’t taking responsibility for their involvement in the world and in their relationship with me. It’s been quite brutal actually, the finality with which i’ve been accepting decisions to withdraw my energy from relationships where there is no intimate feedback, only a great sucking vortex of negativity and recalcitrant wallowing in existential filth. Friends and i have been referring to such people as, alas, shit cunts who don’t own their shit. We render it shit cants to help ourselves understand they are not actual cunts, just behaving like cunts. That’s how i feel about it anyway – if their behaviour is repeatedly cunty, i withdraw either completely from the relationship or i withdraw the level of intimacy i was offering. Whether they have cheated me or lied or gossiped about me, their behaviour suggests they do not respect me or the intimate friendship we might have developed. It’s been brutal, but i’m seeing that by cutting out people who don’t respect themselves enough to be honest with themselves, much less us, we make room for our own self-respect to flourish and we begin to attract others with enough self-respect and self-love and to respect and love another.
Writing to Mum again, I gleaned a bunch of details and asked a few more questions, but refrained again from going too much into why I’m asking – it feels like a thing I should keep private here, though here be not private.
Turns out I was a week early and left struggling for my life beginning Christmas day … the sticky lung, stuck in the humidicrib designed by the same guy who apparently invented a low-cost iron lung – Edward Both, an Aussie legend. I was in there to avoid infections, and am waiting to learn how many days exactly I was in there (i know it was around a week, somewhere between V and VII days).
What I didn’t go into yet, is something i learned when i was seeing Rebecca (apsychotherapist and holotropic breathwork facilitator) in Adelaide in 2013, which is that my early experience as a baby may have established a sort of pattern based on how long i was in the humidicrib.
I am learning that, in general, when a newborn is separated from the mother’s breast at such an early age (understood, in psychology and spirituality, to be significant lifetime traumas), it’s not uncommon for the child to develop what Freud and Jung called “oral complexes”, which are a contributing factor in the development of oral addictions – smoking, drinking, eating. I began identifying as a “binge alcoholic” long before i realised i was an actual alcohlic – i guess the week was a perfect structure for me, work work work as a workaholic all week, then binge on the weekend.
There’s something in that, and understanding these as traumas and doing meditations to re-experience them through the adult perspective is a way of healing that trauma and beginning to move away from the complexes and the addictions they often cause. Addiction is a symptom, as well as the cause of other symptoms – that’s a perspective and distinction the Western system often fails to notice. I’ve written before about how love is the cure for addiction.
I also asked about Mum’s experience of breast-feeding with me. I have a hazy memory of biting the recess lady on the breast at kindergarten, but maybe i picked that memory up from this song:
I’ve also identified that i often feel grumpy when i’m hungry, but that’s changing as well as i embrace my inner forager.
Fuck yeah foraging!
Writing to Mum just now, asking for information about my birth, i signed off as Ryan Bodhi Abhijan, a format i used first on a zine i was putting together yesterday.
I began to explain that construction, but realised that sharing such information is generally just an unnecessarily confusing overshare (UCO or, to make an acronym from a typical 90s descriptor for the clumsy, UnCO). You don’t know what i’m talking about, neither does she, so going into it hereorthere, it’s bound to cause a social fumbling of sorts, and anyway, it’s the sort of thing i want to allow to percolate in my being fornow,
because who wants to appear uncoordinated?, even when you know you’re more coordinated than ever.
One thing, though, is
i have been exploring the meaning of my names and finding there are parallels between my sannyasin name and my birth name, which is both surprising and unsurprising:
i feel both more myself as Ryan and more and more ever-renewed as Abhijan; both more in touch with what i thought of as my old identity and more in touch with my new, old self …
a lot of conditioning, major ego structures and behavioural patterns are dropping away, and i am becoming more and more a master of myself,
and to do so has required going back through my experience of childhood and re#membering it from the perspective of adulthood.
It’s some#thing like past-life regression, and is an actual thing. It’s an actualthing like past-life regression.
I have been doing meditations recently that are helping me to recall the chronology and details of my childhood,
and i am seeing that my former memory-set had been woefully patchy and sketchy, likely a combination of general natural suppression of traumatic experiences and a pretty hectic history of chronic pot and alcohol abuse, not to mention all the sugar, mainstream entertainment and tobacco, plus coffee and pohtaytoes.
But the memories are coming back and i’m learning to respect the sacred herb again, so there’s hope for much positive re#membering,
which feels like un-dis-membering my soul or,
and it’s happening naturally, without loads of awareness raising drugs, intuitively,
so that’s cool!
But it’s not the sort of gnarly esoteric decoding you want to just drop on Mum in an email because you’re having some sort of unexpected sexual and spiritual awakening with your new girlfriend under the guidance of three super moons and an offsetting solar eclipse, yeah. I don’t even know what that means, and it’s confusing enough to understand it, let alone relate that understanding – like acid … you don’t #shareyouracid stories with Mum, you just don’t. Just send a nice, polite enquiry about the details of your birth.
apes aspiring to be compassionate gods
Guy asks online forum if he should piss on his compost. Lots of people share their advice. Guy says thank you, “I appreciate ur-in-ate sense of sharing.” I wet myself laughing.
demise is immanent
after Kendall F Person
……one goes in
……another goes out,
……as friction creates…..doubt
the process ungrounded
they must alight
who am i
I’m not sure why i keep thinking and talking in terms of dichotomies lately (this vs that), but today’s meditation insight:
instead of trying to justify behaviour, allow yourself to observe what happens when you accept the behaviour.
It is, after all, behaviour only — it is not necessarily representative of who you really are.
To call it an insight is a bit much: it was a thought that occurred to me at the end of the meditation; such timing sometimes leaves me feeling a thought is an insight, which is not necessarily the case.