coming clean

re-entry-duction to Flux Comb
Sunday 31 January

It’s time to come clean: i am addicted and i suffer from (sometimes crippling) depression and anxiety. I don’t know which of these came first, but it’s becoming increasingly apparent that i need to treat these conditions as types of symptoms. When we talk about addiction we often think of junkies, but when i talk about addiction i talk about sugar and mainstream news media. The nature of my addiction and mental-health concerns are less relevant than how they developed and what i can do to overcome them. Essentially i’m a stoner and a frustrated artist who likes to binge drink on irregular days of the week. I would chain-smoke if i could, and i get an inordinate degree of pleasure from smashing sugary drinks to replenish my blood-sugar levels (at least, that’s what i think i’m doing at the fridge in the middle of the night when i’ve suddenly woken up sober and soggy-headed).

In the scheme of things, my addiction and mental-health concerns are “not that bad” … yet, they continue to effect my ability to maintain relationships with people, jobs and accommodation … it effects my relationship with myself and with the Creative Energy, the Eternal Fountain of Life and Enthusiasm for Bad Dancing. It is robbing me of my life as i sit around either worrying or sucking on something that will stop me from worrying.

By beginning to share my experience a bit more, i am hoping to a) lighten the load by expressing some of the thoughts, feelings and ideas i have inside me that fill me to bursting everywhere except for the void and b) see how my story resonates with others experiencing a low-level degree of addiction along with mild depression and anxiety. I am interested to see how many of us are in the same boat without even being aware there was a boat in the first place. The Boat of Bottomless Bereavement. It stinks in here.

Bereavement … the word came to me along with the image of being alone in a boat, adrift as i fend for myself at a time of such beautifully heinous change in human history, bumping around in a culture bereft of emotionally developed adults and institutions promoting our spiritual or psychological wellbeing. For over half my life i have been self-medicating to stave off […] in the face of emotional and lifestyle challenges we face at this or any given time. But i don’t need to do this anymore, because i have learned some things and there are some things to learn about how to live well in the face of a sometimes-frightening and usually ambiguous reality, totally sober. Sober reality—the truth without beer goggles.

So if you’re out there reading this re-entry-duction to Flux Comb and it makes a kind of sense to you, please get in touch through the comments or hit me up for an email address.

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