In the thick of a days-long muse attack, i see now that i am drafting a memoir essay about, among other things, the neurosis behind impotency: stay tuned to miss out on the gory details when i bail out and publish under a pseudonym or in some dark corner of the internet under the guise of an immersive-text experiment that no one will care to find.
Actually the essay is intended to be about sexuality as a gateway to the divine, but to get there it turns out i have to go through the whole impotency thing first. Impotence … premature ejaculation … size complex … performance performance performance get fucked.
Maybe i will be brave enough to get the thing placed with an actual magazine under my own name, but which name to choose? Turns out Abhijan suffers from impotence the same as Ryan did, but Abhijan is the one who saw it for what it is, and not a source of shame, so i guess he will get the guernsey.
Most exciting of all is this feeling i have, this feeling based in that heady mixture of experience with learned understanding, that sexuality really is a gateway to the divine, that if only we shine awareness on all the bullshit beliefs that clog up the natural expression of our sexuality we can enter a way of living with and loving each other that really actually fucking does get us connected with what’s real, you know!
Of course i just got over-excited and googled “fuck yeah real sex” in search of a sincere Tumblr about real sex and, thankfully, i found on the first page a link to this, about “sex positivity”—yet another term it took me thirty years too long to really become aware of. I haven’t actually read the blog, so don’t take this linkage as an endorsement or blame me if you get caught at work.