a rambling five-part exploration of how spiritual healing must complement lifestyle changes that will facilitate spiritual healing – Part III is here
The Porn Tangent
It feels like another start because i can’t go back now. I don’t want to just fall back on false resources, smoking and drinking and over-eating and looking at porn. That one’s a big one, and sensitive: my dependence on porn. I actually can’t remember the last time i looked at porn, though i’ve had ample opportunity. I haven’t had the desire. But now, in my currently fragile state, i feel the desire.
But i see it for what it is: a desire to feel some kind of instant pleasure; pretty women are beautiful, and i get pleasure from seeing them with cum on their faces That is perversion, an unnatural desire.
I was positively effected by the TEDx talk below from Ran Gavrieli about how unnatural desire can emerge in us from watching modern porn. As my sexuality burgeoned in my early adolescence i didn’t have this desire. It is a desire that has grown, been unconsciously cultivated, by my exposure to and previously indiscriminate/unaware consumption of whatever porn i could access on the internet, which is mostly cumshots.
Even now i feel an enlivening in my loins as i remember images i may never forget, an enlivening that has hitherto infrequently been caused by natural stimulus.
I say “hitherto infrequently” because during the course and during the sessions in Turkey i experienced an enlivening of the orgasm reflex through breathing exercises based on the base chakra, the sex centre. On both occasions i nearly orgasmed by doing nothing more (and nothing less) than breathing and thrusting my pelvis and imagining i was making love to existence, existence being the greatest natural stimulus ever.
This capacity of the body is something i have wondered about for some time, and now that i have experienced it combined with the power of our spiritual creative energy, i see that we can orgasm over the love of life and joy. This could be a key to over-coming porn addiction,
and this tangent has become a kind of example: after the course i practised in my tent with one of the techniques we had been shown that had begun to trigger my orgasm reflex; i created a safe place close to nature and went at it with existence and the orgasm was amazement; by discovering such an internal resource i now have the means to live without dependence on such external resources as porn,
and this makes me think that by introducing breathing exercises to my Program i can find the internal resources to overcome my dependence on the false external resource of smoking. And that’s just a start.
If i want to purify and expand my capacity for breath to facilitate healing on a deep level, for example, it will be beneficial to refrain from smoking, but when smoking is an external resource, however false, i find it hard to refrain: i refrain for sometime and then relapse, often relapsing into binge.
That seems rational, but something essential i am coming to understand by reflecting on all this is that a ‘rational’ approach cannot be taken to ‘achieving’ progress in this work. Yes, i need to apply conditions to my lifestyle, such as don’t chain smoke or don’t look at porn instead of meditating, and to help me apply such conditions i refer to what i call my Program – a list of do’s and don’ts, a daily schedule of practice, etc..
But it’s important to not get too caught up in observing these conditions rigidly – i saw how miserable this made Gandhi.
I have to be flexible enough to exploit my resources as required, not relying entirely on some things i wrote down about the things i would and would not do as i practice. And in case of relapse, try try again, in each moment, without feeling guilty that i have ‘failed’.
This may not make a lot of sense without explaining what this ‘Program’ is, which i’m reluctant to do because it feels so dweeby and misguided, but here it is.